WEEK SIXTEEN VS. BUFFALO BILLS W 24-12

TWAS TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

AND SPIRITS WERE LOW

SINCE OUR PATRIOTS’ WINS

WERE ELUSIVE AS SNOW

WITH A LOSS TO THE STEELERS

PLUS THAT JINX IN MIAMI

IT SURE FELT LIKE OUR BOYS

HAD BEEN HIT WITH A WHAMMY

STILL WE SHOWED UP ON SUNDAY

AND DIDN’T PLAY HOOKY

BUT THANKED GOD WE WERE FACING

THAT BUFFALO ROOKIE

NOW WE DIDN’T NEED MAGIC

WE DIDN’T NEED FRILLS

WE JUST NEEDED A WIN

IN THIS BATTLE OF BILLS

OH BUT HOW WOULD WE GET IT

WITH A QB SO OLD

AND HIS HAND ALL WEIGHED DOWN

WITH THOSE FIVE RINGS OF GOLD?

TOMMY DIDN’T LOOK GREAT

SANTA DOESN’T LIKE LIES

HE HIT ONLY THIRTEEN

OF HIS TWENTY-FOUR TRIES

WHEN IT CAME TO HIS YARDS

HE THREW ONE-TWENTY-SIX

AND JUST ONE LONELY TOUCHDOWN

ALONG WITH TWO PICKS

SO IT SEEMED THAT OUR PASS GAME

MIGHT NEED SOME ASSISTANCE

WITH GRONK ALL BANGED UP

AND JOSH NOT IN EXISTENCE

AND THEN OUT OF THE BACKFIELD

CAME SONY MICHEL

RUSHING ONE-SIXTEEN YARDS

LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL

NOW IT WASN’T JUST SONY

LET US NOT FORGET REX,

CORDARRELLE, AND JAMES WHITE

WHO ALL HELPED BREAK THE HEX

BUT THE DAY WAS MICHEL’S

AND OUR NEW FAVORITE RUNNER

EARNED THE TOT-DUB

IN A RUSHING GAME STUNNER

IT’S THE STRANGEST OF SEASONS

BUT IT SEEMS THERE’S STILL HOPE

THAT THIS PATRIOTS TEAM

HASN’T RUN OUT OF ROPE

AND IN FACT THERE’S A TWO SEED

THAT’S STILL WITHIN GRASP

JUST AS LONG AS WE SMOTHER

THE JETS’ ONE LAST GASP

THOUGH MY CONFIDENCE LAGS

AND MY FAITH, TOO, HAS WAVERED

IT STILL MAY BE OKAY

WE’RE NOT SUPER BOWL FAVORED

OUR PATS MAY SURPRISE US

LET’S BE OF GOOD CHEER

IF OUR CHEMISTRY SYNCS

IT COULD STILL BE OUR YEAR

BUT NO MATTER THE WINS

OR THE LOSSES WE HAVE

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

AND GO PATS (YAY) LOVE DAV

WEEK THIRTEEN VS. MINNESOTA VIKINGS W 24-10

well kids- 

i forgot to tell you the patriots got embarrassed by the titans and i was too busy to tell you they beat the jets - but i'm happy to report their winning streak has resumed with a victory over minnesota. 

our fearless quarterback looked pretty solid aside from an interception that was really and truly an interception, but at least he earned this one! he wound up 24 of 32 for 311 yards and a touchdown - and that was just in his quarterbacking duties!

that's right, kids! after 18 seasons, 265 games, and 579 times of me screaming "NO TOMMY DON'T DO IT!!!!" tommy finally broke 1000 rushing yards! i think it should be noted that he did lose 160 total yards over the years by taking knees at the ends of games that were firmly in hand, but i guess 265 games is still a lot considering michael vick did in 22. nevertheless, tommy was pretty proud of the milestone - and it put him well past peyton manning's 667 rushing yards, which mom would say is all that really matters. if you're wondering, the rest of our team played well during this game, too. rex burkhead looked solid in his return and our defense pulled down a few interceptions - but tommy's getting the totw (for breaking the record, mom, not for leaving peyton in the dust). congrats, tommy! feel free to stop running now, okay?

we play the dolphins in miami on sunday, which our patriots always seem to think is some kind of winter vacation instead of an actual football game that counts. we have no breathing room heading into pittsburgh the following week, so think your happy patriots thoughts that tommy doesn't run and sony michel does - and that somebody throws danny amendola into their carry-on for the flight home.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

WEEK NINE VS. GREEN BAY PACKERS W 31-17

well kids,

the patriots beat the green bay packers, and while it was a pretty exciting game, i don't have that much to say about it - other than yay, which goes without saying.

our fearless quarterback went backward in his quest to break one thousand rushing yards but forward in his quest to break six million passing yards, so it was okay. he wound up 22 of 35 for 294 yards and one touchdown, so he's definitely getting closer! i'm excited about it, too, tommy.

i wasn't completely sure we were going to win this game, which was my folly since we usually play some pretty freaking awesome football in november. this was no exception, and our patriots pulled out all the stops with some fun trick plays and big defensive stands. i'm especially excited that josh gordon had another game receiving over 100 yards (130, to be exact), which is the 12th of his career and his second in new england in just six weeks with the team. josh probably deserves the totw the most, but he just got one, so i'm giving this one to jules. when you play in a game with tom brady and aaron rodgers and you walk away with the best passer rating of the night, you should get some kind of award. this one's for you, jules! p.s. - please shave.

we play tennessee on sunday morning, reuniting with our old friends mike vrabel and malcolm butler - though we might feel friendlier towards malcolm than he does toward us. think your happy patriots thoughts he doesn't pick this game to start living up to his contract and we get one more W under our belts before the bye!

have a great week, and go pats.

love dav

WEEK EIGHT @ BUFFALO BILLS W 25-6

hey kids-

if thursday night football has taught us anything, it's that divisional games can be super boring - so why they chose to put bills pats on monday night football is beyond my comprehension. this game was so boring, i actually forgot to write the totw.

our fearless quarterback went 29 of 45 for 324 yards - which seems like a lot of passes and a lot of yards, especially since none of those passes was a touchdown. whatever. they all looked exactly this pretty, and we won on the road, so we'll take it. 

the score makes it seem like the patriots ran away with this game - and i guess devin mccourty literally did with his 84 yard interception return, but it wasn't until pretty late in the game. we'll go ahead and give him the totw since this was our first defensive score since 2015. kind of a dubious honor, i guess, but congrats anyway, devin. i do love it when our defense scores...even if it only happens every three years.

we play the packers on sunday night, and i know i'm really going to regret blasting this game for being boring since next week is probably going to give me a heart attack. think your happy patriots thoughts that tommy proves aaron rodgers right as the better qb - and that i don't die in the process. actually- we should probably hope for nobody to die in the process - so let's go with that.


have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

WEEK SEVEN @ CHICAGO BEARS W 38-31

well, kids -

there are a whole slew of reasons for which i'm delighted to report that the patriots beat the bears: i really thought we'd lose to either the chiefs or the bears, so another win gives us a buffer in case we lose to green bay; we really needed a win on the road; and winning is just so much happier than losing.

our fearless qb might not have mitch trubisky's legs, but luckily for us, he has tom brady's arm. tommy wound up 25 of 36 for 277 yards and three touchdowns - along with another interception that we're not counting because it wasn't his fault. yes, i know real life doesn't work like that, but this is my made-up award, which means i make up the rules. tommy approves.

it was a sloppy and dramatic game with lots of turnovers and unusual exciting plays on both sides of the ball. on our side, our defense managed to pull down two interceptions and our special teams not only blocked a punt and returned it for a touchdown but also regular returned a punt for a touchdown. on top of that, josh gordon racked 100 receiving yards and james white had two touchdowns. i'm not sure who should get the totw, but i'm giving it to trent brown. yeah, you heard me. not only do i know the names of offensive linemen, but i also know that they were supposed to have their hands full with some dude called khalil mack. mack may have turned up a little gimpy, but it didn't help that trent brown steam-rolled him pretty much all day long, protecting tommy's blindside and keeping him (mostly) off his butt. bravo, trent brown. now everybody knows your name!

our erratic schedule continues on monday night versus the bills - and i don't think the patriots really do trap games, but this could definitely be one of them. we're at buffalo, so think your happy patriots thoughts that this game isn't any harder than it has to be and our winning streak on the road extends - to two!

have a great week, and go pats.

love dav

WEEK SIX VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS W 43-40

well kids- 

our patriots beat the kansas city chiefs, and they looked pretty good doing it. yes, they blew a big halftime lead, and yes, there's room for improvement, but 4-2 looks a lot better than 3-3 heading into chicago. 

our fearless quarterback didn't have one single interception in this game, but he made up for it with a stupid and totally preventable fumble that made this one a little closer than it needed to be. he made up for that with another rushing touchdown, though, so it all kind of evens out. he wound up 24 of 35 for 340 yards and one passing td in addition to the rush. next game, let's work on our focus, tommy.

i was thinking about giving this totw to dont'a hightower - who was running around like a bat out of hell and pulled down (and nearly ran back) an interception, but i'm loathe to award the totw to a defense that allowed 40 points even if mahomes is kind of awesome. instead, i'm giving this one to stephen gostkowski. he apparently kicked five field goals in this game, and i had to check three different box scores to be sure that was right because i only remember two of them. that means the other three must have been fairly low stress (though there was a 48- and a 50-yarder in addition the game winner...), and lowering my stress in the midst of this shootout is definitely totw-worthy. way to make it look easy, stephen! 

we're off to chicago this weekend, and that kid in chicago might be even scarier than that kid in kansas city. think your happy patriots extra hard this week, and let's all hope that our fearless qb keeps showing the kids how it's done.

have a great week, and go pats.

love dav

WEEK FIVE VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS W 38-24

hey kids-

our patriots looked good against the colts - even if they were gimpy and, well, the colts. with a couple of tough games on the horizon, we'll take the win and be happy for it.

we'll also be happy for our fearless quarterback - who had an awesome game that included his 500th career touchdown pass. tommy wound up 34 of 44 and three touchdown passes - plus one hilarious touchdown "rush" arm extension. congratulations, tommy! happily, jules was on hand to congratulate him, too.

technically speaking, this week's totw should be awarded to patrick chung after i called him out by name for no interceptions last week and he answered that call with an interception this week. patrick does get honorable mention, but there's no way tommy's getting four touchdowns - including his career 500th - and not getting the award named after him. sorry patrick- but you're not the first to learn that when you're competing against tommy brady, you really have to up your game. tommy's 500th was a dramatic jump ball to the end zone - and josh gordon really made it look way too easy. thanks for putting that look on our qb's face, josh - and thanks for putting it on ours 500 times, tommy!

we have a huge test on sunday night football this week, taking on the undefeated chiefs. the chiefs have been known to embarrass us on the national stage, so think your happy patriots thoughts that our team has made as much progress in the last 10 days as they did the 10 before. having to listen to chris collinsworth is torture enough without adding losing on top of it!


have a great week, and go pats.

love dav

WEEK FOUR VS. MIAMI DOLPHINS W 38-3

hey kids-

what a relief! you may have noticed there was no totw last week, and that's because no one deserved it after an ugly, ugly loss to the lions. this week, we not only beat the dolphins, but we showed a glimmer of the team we could become - and it was almost as beautiful as my sister in her fairytale wedding dress!

our fearless quarterback never plays his best against miami, and this game was no exception. he did go a respectable 23 of 35 for 274 yards and three touchdown, but there were also two interceptions. exhale, tommy. your blankie is back and will be all warmed up for you on thursday.

i have so much to say about this game, starting with helloooooooo josh gordon. please stay sober. also- yay sony mitchell, whom i one-single-time called "son" (as in go-son-go-son-go!) and inadvertently offended the african american dude sitting next to me. also also, does anyone else think matt patricia secretly coached our defense before they left ford field last weekend? 

there are so many tommy contenders this week, i wish i could reappropriate last week's and give this week's twice. props to patterson for the prettiest and to dorset for the clutchiest catches of the game - and honorable mention to james white - whom i multiple times called "white" and did not inadvertently offend the african american dude sitting next to me. nevertheless, i'm giving the totw to trey flowers. i know this will be controversial- mostly because i barely found a single photo of him from yesterday's game. i also know our defense looked solid against houston, then flowers got hurt and we looked anemic against jacksonville and detroit. upon his return, we once again looked solid against the undefeated dolphins and came within two minutes of a shutout. i suspect that a healthy flowers simply means everyone around him can go back to doing their jobs, but that kind of makes him one of the lynch pins of our defense. yes, i know the same could be said for chung, but i'm pretty clear with our secondary: no interception, no totw! anyway, congrats, trey flowers, on your first and probably only totw. surprisingly, we missed you!

quick turn around hosting the colts on thursday night - and i'd say something about bringing your football-pressure-measurers or getting mcdaniels a ponyproof vest, but i'm just too giddy about julian to bother. maybe it's just me, but these four games felt wayyyyy worse than the four when tommy was suspended. bring on the edel-man!

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

WEEK TWO @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS L 31-20

well kids-

as predicted, the jags were really super obnoxious, but the patriots were not really super good and we lost. at least we got that over with early in the season.

our fearless quarterback went 24 of 35 for 234 yards and two touchdowns. the protection wasn't great this week and there's basically no one on our team to catch the ball, so i'm uncharacteristically non-fussed. 

i don't really have anything to say about this game. it's early in the season, we were on the road, we have no receivers, and our defense is still figuring out how to be a defense. we lost, it happens. no standout performances anywhere, so the tommy goes to tommy by default. 

we'll try it again on sunday night as we visit our old friend matt patricia in detroit. think your happy patriots thoughts that his detroit defense is as subpar as his new england one - and that i'm slightly less ambivalent about it all next week.

have a great week, and go pats.

love dav

WEEK ONE VS. HOUSTON TEXANS W 27-20

hey kids- 

football's back, and our patriots started the season with a win for a change. it was a sloppy win, but not as sloppy as losing, so we'll take it.

our fearless quarterback went right back to business, going 26 for 39 and racking up 277 yards and three touchdowns to start the season. there was also a tipped pass interception - see the aforementioned sloppy - but all in all, it was a good showing. nice to see you again, tommy.

there are a lot of new faces (and a lot of missing faces) on the field this year, but the team looks surprisingly solid. maybe houston just sucks, but our o-line gave tommy some great protection and our pass defense looked like they might actually know what they're doing - even gilmore! our receivers could brush up on their catching skills, and gronk could brush up on his holding on to the ball after he catches it skills, but these were mostly first-game-of-the-season rather than holy-crap-our-team-is-in-trouble kinds of concerns. i'm giving the tommy to gronk in spite of his fumble for three reasons: firstly, he responds well to positive feedback and we need him to keep catching until jules gets back; secondly, he did catch seven passes for 123 yards and a touchdown; and thirdly, this:

we play jacksonville on sunday, and that should give us a clearer picture on how good our team is shaping up to be. think your happy patriots thoughts that it's really, really super good - if for no other reason than jacksonville is really, really super obnoxious.  

have a great week, and go pats. 

love dav

WEEK NINETEEN DIVISIONAL ROUND VS. TENNESSEE TITAN W 35-14

well kids, 

our patriots won their first playoff game of 2018 by whipping the titans soundly, and i have only two words for you: danny amendola. ok, i lied. i have two more: *dreamy sigh*

our fearless quarterback looked a little rusty to start - but still better than he was looking those last few weeks of the regular season. let's hope whatever was causing tommy to throw a season's worth of interceptions per game is well behind him. he wound up 35 of 53 - holy crap that's way too many - with three touchdowns and 337 yards, 112 of which we caught by - you guessed it: danny amendola. *dreamy sigh*

i was pretty happy with the team effort on this one, with everyone right down to ryan allen doing their jobs and doing them well. our defense recorded a record eight sacks - even more impressive since mariota's got some legs - and even stephen gilmore made a few plays that made me not curse his name. lewis rocked as always, gronk gronked, and chris hogan had a few drops, but it was just so nice to see him that he was mostly forgiven...or i was just mostly distracted by danny amendola. danny pulled off his best impression of julian edelman, coming up clutch on third downs and reading tommy's mind to fall down or jump up exactly the right way in exactly the right spot to make exactly the right catch after catch after catch. danny wound up with 11 catches for the aforementioned 112 yards and he's getting this week's tommy, along with an entire week's worth of *dreamy sighs*. frankly, he might get next week's tommy, too.

we play the jaguars on sunday, and i'd be more worried about it if not for the flood of oxygen in my brain from all the dreamy sighing. so, until i've recovered from amendolitis, think your happy patriots thoughts that our defense has enough pride not to let blake bortles rob them of a super bowl appearance - and tommy reminds the jags he taught jimmy g everything he knows.

have a great week, and go pats. *dreamy sigh*

love dav