WEEK FIFTEEN @ MIAMI DOLPHINS L 22-12

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
OF A TERRIBLE YEAR
WITH NO TOMMY, NO JULES
AND NO REASON TO CHEER

THOUGH WE GAVE IT A GO
WITH A QB CALLED CAM
WHEN HE CAME DOWN WITH COVID
OUR SEASON WENT BLAM

PRACTICES CANCELLED!
AND GAMES BEING PLAYED
ON UNSCHEDULED DAYS
IN THIS SEASON'S CHARADE

IT WAS TOO MUCH TO WATCH
IT WAS TOO MUCH TO TAKE
IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR BILL
ALL TOO MUCH FOR PETE'S SAKE!

STILL WE KEPT PLAYING GAMES
SOME WE LOST, SOME WE WON
BUT WHATEVER THE SCORE
IT JUST WASN'T THAT FUN

BY THE TIME WE GOT HERE
TO THE FINS IN DECEMBER
IT WAS JUST ONE MORE GAME
WE'D TRY NOT TO REMEMBER

AS FOR THIS WEEK'S NOTOMMY
I'LL GIVE YOU A NAME
BUT IF I'M BEING HONEST
I MISSED MOST THE GAME

STILL MY SCORE ALERT SHOWED
THAT WE MADE EVERY KICK
SO THE MADE UP AWARD
GOES TO GOOD OLD ST NICK

AS FOR WHAT'S COMING NEXT
ONLY TWO GAMES REMAIN
IN THIS FAKE FOOTBALL SEASON
THAT TO PLAY WAS INSANE

BUT THERE'S ONE SILVER LINING
(THOUGH A DUBIOUS ONE):
THE PATS MISSED THE PLAYOFFS
SO IT'S ALMOST ALL DONE

WHILE THERE ISN'T MUCH JOY
AND OUR SEASON'S A BUST
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
AND GO PATS (IF YOU MUST)

SURE, WE'RE ALL DISAPPOINTED
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR!
MAY YOUR NEW ONE BE HAPPY
AND I'LL CATCH YOU BACK HERE

love dav

WEEK SIX VS. DENVER BRONCOS L 18-12

hey kids-

well, the patriots lost the dumbest game of football ever played, and not even the package of mimosas and tots that arrived from my sister (thanks bark!) could save it.

our fearsome quarterback was back on the field for the first time after his COVID-19 diagnosis, and he went 17 for 25 and 157 yards with no touchdowns. that's what happens when you're asked to play football after not being allowed to practice and your offensive line has never actually taken the field together before game time. on the plus side, he didn't drop dead from myocarditis, so that's promising.

our defense tried to rally a little toward the end of this game, pulling down two interceptions that sort of gave a chance at winning- if only we'd been allowed to have more than one practice over the course of two weeks and actually knew who'd be eligible to play more than like five minutes in advance. the ntotw is going collectively to the patriots for putting up with this bullsh%t - because god knows i'm OVER it.

we play the 49ers on sunday, and i really couldn't care less. think your happy patriots thoughts if you do.

have a great week, and go pats i guess.

love dav

WEEK THREE VS. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS W 36-20

well kids, 

three weeks in to football season and the patriots suck way less than i thought they would - but watching football at home sucks way more. coronalife is not nearly as blissful - or as boozy - as the name would imply. 

after a game one that was all cam rushing and a game two that was all cam passing, it was nice to see a game three that wasn't really much about cam at all. our fearsome quarterback went 17 of 28 for 162 yards with one touchdown and one pick, and while it wasn't a super-impressive performance, it's was nice to see we could get the win without one - and to see cam taking a somewhat sideline role in stride. wooo wooo!

of course, while cam may not have had his best day at the office, our running backs had a literal field day - with sony michel rushing for 119 yards and rex burkhead picking up a combined 98 yards and three touchdowns. while both were much needed boosts, it feels like you shouldn't be able to make it into the endzone three times without getting the ntotw - so it's going to burkhead. nice work, sexy rexy!

we travel to kansas city on sunday afternoon, and since i barely agree with even having a football season much less allowing fans to attend games, i'll spare you the tirade. think your happy patriots thoughts that no one gets covid and that the patriots win  - in that order. also, feel free to bring me a mimosa and some tots. 

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

WEEK TWO @ SEATTLE L 35-30

hey kids-

well, we didn't win in seattle, but this might be the least upset i've ever been losing. if you're thinking that's because i don't really care about the patriots anymore, i kind of thought that might end up happening, too - but in a delightfully surprising turn of events, i'm actually getting on board this cam train. in fact, this week's wooo wooo isn't sarcastic at all!

even with our former fearless quarterback at the helm, games against seattle have always been a toss up, but our new fearsome quarterback put up a valiant effort that included one touchdown, one interception, and a whopping 397 yards, going 30/44. i don't watch a ton of non-patriots football, but holy crap! i had know idea cam newton could throw! i also had no idea what to expect when he took the field for that final potential game winning drive. does cam newton even have a two minute drill? in another delightfully surprising turn of events - he totally does! no, we didn't win, but as with pretty much every game we've ever played against the seahawks - it could've gone either way. so, two weeks on the cam train, and this is what we've learned: leadership? check! competitiveness? check! we're still working on the general roguish charm - but that happy go lucky smile is definitely starting to win me over, and it feels like there's a real chance cam just might pull this thing together. wooo wooo!

we could dance around and talk about mccourty's awesome opening drive interception blahblahblah, but there's zero possibility jules is getting a career high receiving yards and not getting this week's notommy. i've given it to him for a lot lesser reasons than this, and my abandoned and bitter heart is particularly warmed by the irony of this particular broken record. jules pulled down eight receptions for 179 yards, proving the patriots' passing game is alive and well - perhaps more so than it's been for several seasons. thanks for doing this early enough in the year that you're still grooming and we can all enjoy your pretty face, jules!

we play the raiders at home on sunday morning, and we all fell a little short on the happy patriots thoughts last sunday, so let's double down okay? in our final delightfully surprising turn of events, i've still got skin in this game!

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

WEEK ONE VS. MIAMI DOLPHINS W 21-11

well kids-

it's official. football is actually really happening - even though tom brady isn't a patriot AND there's a deadly virus ravaging hearts and lungs and causing untold long-term damage. for the record, i'm not in favor of either of those things, but as they say, the tommy must go on - with or without tommy - and so, i present to you the first ever NOTommyoftheweek. (you can pronounce that not tommy, but i prefer notommy, like lobotomy.)

while it remains to be seen if our new quarterback will be fearless, he certainly was fearsome - rushing for 75 yards and two touchdowns and completing 15 of 19 passes for 155 yards. considering how often the patriots lose on opening day with a quarterback who actually knows our playbook, this was a pretty impressive debut. i'm not a super big fan of rushing quarterbacks, but because it's such a different experience, it actually might make it a little easier to get on board the cam train this season. wooo wooo.

with eight patriots opting out because of COVID-19, the quarterback position isn't the only place where our team looks different - but it shouldn't surprise any of us that they still looked pretty decent. of course it was week one and we did play miami, but considering the turnover and that there were no preseason games, it felt like a solid start. both gilmore and jackson started the season with interceptions, and jules started the season as a patriot - all of which deserve honorable mention, but this week's notommy is going to cam newton. (are you dead? i might be dead. this literally might be the end of the world). while cam's leadership and general roguish charm are still up for debate, his competitiveness was impressive, and what would have been three touchdowns if not for the endzone fumble in his first game as a patriot isn't too shabby. you're notommy, cam, but considering  you notched a W on sunday, that might be a good thing. welcome to the team.

i'm not feeling it for many reasons this season - including having to watch games at home and not in a bar for the first time in 20 years, but as long as our patriots keep on keepin' on, i'll try to keep up. we play seattle on sunday night, and even though they'll be down a 12th man, they may bring a little more to the field than miami. i know we're all a little out practice, so dust off your happy patriots thoughts and think 'em extra hard this week. if i'm expected to slog through this utterly unimaginable season, i expect to do it winning!

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav